The Secret

I guess when I really think about it, I have this whole woe-is-me attitude going on and I don't think it is completely unjustified. However, it sucks and I wish I could just let things go a little easier and not get so emotional over things that aren't really all that important. Then when there is something going on that its normal to be upset about I'm strangely calm. I just think my emotions and train of thought got crossed some how.

So my mother was watching Oprah and heard about a book called The Secret that is supposed to teach you how to have a different outlook on life in hopes of leading you to more success and happiness. She happened to mention the book at, of course, the worst time...which she always does... which usually makes me cry (conveniently enough that was the exact same time we got a monsoon in Pittsburgh so it was hidden). My mother is not an emotional person so whenever she gets that way I don't know how to react and I become a five year old again.

Anyways, I figure it can't hurt to read this book and see what it has to say. I'll have a bunch of time on my hands real soon because I'm one of those people who the more I do, the more I do. Doctors office with Dad Monday. Classes start Tuesday. New life on Wednesday. LOL Right!

Since when.....

So while I'm sitting here trying to come up with things to write about I'm realizing that everything I think of has to do with men. I'm not real sure how that happened and I'm not real sure I have a problem with it either. This is my little venting spot and it just so happens that men are apparently all I have thought about for a while. I'm sure in a week or so it's going to turn into all medical and hospital crap. Men are just more fun!

McDirty

First of, yes, I do know it is totally cheesy to name every man I date McSomething. But the thing is, I don't care! I enjoy it and as my Meredith will tell you, each one of their names perfectly suits them.

To his credit, McDirty was the first man I Mc'd. He was the first person that I was.... involved with after calling off my engagement. So it was strange how it all started because I hadn't dated in over two years and we started off as friends but things grew into more than that. And I do admit our relationship is not one of the things I'm most proud of in my life but it's almost two years in and things just get more and more complicated.

The reason he became a Mc is because, he isn't exactly single and my friends and I kind of used to hang out where him and his girlfriend worked. So I couldn't exactly talk about him using his real name so we had to change things up a little bit and give him a nickname. And that's how he became McDirty.

Now how can I describe McDirty. Lets just say he's a bit older than me which I have no problem with because I know there is no chance of a real, committed relationship with him. (Do you notice a trend here?) It started as a one night thing because I was upset and crying and he made me laugh. While my friends were just letting me bitch and moan about life he was making me realize that life would go on, I just had to decide to make it happen. You know how people say you always learn a lesson from everything you do? I like to think that is what I learned from him. I could have sat there being miserable but instead I started going out and having some fun for myself. So when he waited until he was walking out my door to tell me that he had a girlfriend I just enjoyed the hug and pretended he didn't just say that.

I will admit it was pretty awkward for me to go back into that bar and see him because I wasn't sure how he would react or how I would. I told myself that night that it wouldn't happen again but clearly that didn't work out.

But we did manage to keep it pretty low key for quite a while. Just every now and then I would be leaving and while he closed up the bar we'd make plans to meet at my place. We didn't even have each other's phone numbers for about six months and to this day I still am not sure about his last name. We've tried to keep emotions out of the whole thing but by this point we're involved, whether he wants to admit it or not. And yes, he is still with his girlfriend.

I can still remember him asking for my phone number "just in case" he ever needed it. I'm not sure what he could have possibly needed it for but hey, that's just me. Something changed right then and there because now we had a connection to each other that we never had before. If we ever "needed" each other there was now a way to get in contact.

One of my favorite things about our relationship is sitting at the bar and talking to him, the other people that work there, and my friends and no one knows about what is going on. The secrecy is exciting and fun because we all love to do things that we aren't supposed to do and everyone loves a good secret.

So ever since we finally exchanged numbers we're almost like a long-distance relationship. You know, accidentally running into each other, bringing food on special occasions, helping each other out with Christmas shopping. Clearly we are more than an employee and customer. My favorite part is making him jealous when I come in with men that I work with or something like that because he swears he doesn't get jealous but I know by the way he acts that he's eyeing up the competition. Which is why I would never bring a man that I was actually interested in to that bar.

Something in me thinks that I should probably let him go but there is a part of me that truly cares about him and our friendship. But, Meredith and another one of my close friends made me pinky kiss that I would not go in there any more. And I've actually made it three weeks without going in!!!

Random Updates

So........... last time I visited I talked about a list of things I was planning on doing. Here's a little update:

I did finally sign up to take a class. It isn't nursing but it is something that I am interested in. I'll be getting my EMT with my friend and we'll have them by the end of the summer. The best thing about that is that I would be able to look for other jobs instead of this hell-hole that I'm in now. The only thing is my Meredith is not happy about it. I've gotten myself in trouble before with EMS and she's a little worried that if i become one, it will continue. No worries I'll just have to find a service that is not near here and is made up of lesbians so that I will not get in trouble at all.

Also I'm super excited tonight that I get to babysit my niece and nephew tonight which will be great because I'll get to have both of them all to myself. The plan is: running around the yard, food, bath and, bed. Then I get to sit on my butt watching TV and making plans for what to do after their mom and dad get home. (Hopefully that means hanging out with McDirty!!)

But most likely I will end up falling asleep on my brother's couch after the busy, disgusting week I've had. To sum it all up we got some bad news about my Dad and he's going to be spending quite a bit of time with doctors and in the hospital so that I weighing on my mind a little. It's probably the reason for me wanting to take certain co-workers out into the parking lot and scream about how little work they do and how they should just shut up and suck it up.

That Feeling

Recently I purchased my first car that is completely in my own name and mine all mine! It's the perfect up-and-coming career girl car that makes me look like such a grown up. The problem is, I still don't feel any different. I've been out of college now for two years. I've been through relationships. I've had great losses and great joys in my life. When the hell am I going to start to feel like a grown-up?

Not that I really want to BE a grown-up. I just want to feel like I've accomplished something.

So I should get off my ass and actually do something that is worth talking about instead of wasting my time talking about it. Now I guess my plan here is to go back to school. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I've been worried about going back since I have been out of the school lifestyle for two years now. But I never really tried in college so now it serves me right that I need to work hard, going to school and work, to make something better out of my life.

Tomorrow my plan is to call the advising office to figure out what I have to do now to start this fall. I figure if I give myself the chance to save money for a while and learn to stay in at night instead of spending two, or three, or four nights at the bar hoping that McDirty will be interested in spending time with me that night.

Also if I start school in the fall that will give me a reason to stay at this god forsaken job that I've been suffering at for far too long already. The only bonus is that we do have tuition reimbursement and that would be extremely helpful in figuring out how to pay to go back to school.

The biggest problem is just forcing myself to grow up and move on in life so that I can solve these things that I bitch about. I have virtually no motivation to get started with this, except for feeling my blood pressure rise as I drive to work everyday and the fact that I use the F word within half an hour of getting to work each day. I'm just such a mellow person in the grand scheme of life that once I get home and fall into my bed I convince myself that things will be better the next day. No matter how many times I am screwed by the management of this place I still come back for more. In the beginning I asked for it because of JerkFace. He is the root of many of my evils. But since "the Incident" I feel I have been wrongly attacked many times for things that have to relation to how I perform at my job. The personality conflicts are so large it's hard to explain them without sounding like I'm just complaining. It's all true.

That is why I have vowed to never accept a job in this company again. Which is going to prove more and more difficult as they take over the Pittsburgh area..... (and soon the world, I fear). I've purposely left the name out of this blog but if you are familiar with the area it should be easy to figure out. Still I will stick to my promise that I will never again wear a badge with their logo after I finally leave this tiny office behind.


http://www.theburghblog.com
Apparently (my hero) PittGirl has had a run in with them too.

Blake... My Alaskan Husband

One of my biggest dreams is to live in Alaska for a while at some point in my life. And now thanks to the Discovery Channel I get to watch my second favorite show, Deadliest Catch. I'm truly addicted to that show, just like Grey's Anatomy but I am convinced that if I move to Alaska, Dutch Harbor to be exact, that I will get to marry my Alaskan husband Blake.

But I'm kind of sad now because Blake and his boat, the Maverick, are not on this season of Deadliest Catch. I have a strange attraction to men who work hard, swear a lot and are dirty when their work is done, which describes all the men on that show.

Blake just has the cute boy next door look to him and still he's out there risking his life in the "deadliest profession on Earth." They had Mother's Day and Memorial Day marathons of the show recently and I actually got to see episodes that I never saw before. One of my new favorite episodes is one from the first season when Blake was still a deckhand and his captains wife was talking about taking care of the men while they were at sea. And the cutest part was when the guys were getting ready to sleep for a while and Blake said all he wanted to do was spoon for a while before they got back to work.

But all I'm going to say now is that if you see ^ that man anywhere, let him know that I'm on my way and we'll get to have our Alaskan romance soon. Too bad I never caught that phone number on your jacket!!!

McRockstar

I've decided to write bios on the men I've dated in my life just so you know the background of the men I talk (yell) about on a daily basis. I feel the need to start with McRockstar for some unknown reason. So we'll go with that one.



The first thing I need to do is admit that I knew from the moment I met this man that he was nothing but trouble and I would end up hurt in one way or another if I got involved with him. I could have saved myself the drama but there is such a crazy attraction between the two of us that I couldn't help myself but get involved with him.



He's the typical flirt who would probably flirt with a 90 year old woman for absolutely no reason but it would still make that woman feel super special because she had his attention. In a way he reminds me of Captain Jack from the Pirates of the Caribbean in that he will tell you exactly how he's going to screw you over but for some reason you don't believe him and then he goes and proves that he is that big of a bastard. LOL But people love McRockstar and people love Captain Jack.



This man has no problem being completely honest with you which I love but I'm so used to men lying that I didn't even believe him when he was telling me the truth, that there was absolutely no future between us. So I did the girl thing and got attached which is just leading to drunken text messages and angry conversations for a couple days, then one of us gets over it and we're civil to each other again.



A woman with more will power than me would ignore him and move on, completely forgetting the strength of the attraction and the friendship that is there. However, I can't forget the good side of this man, which makes our friendship continue and a little tiny part of me still wants to be with him. The man is extremely intelligent and very skilled in his profession. He's kind of a RockStar. He is one of the few men that I can actually have one conversation after another with and learn something from him each time we talk.