The Secret

I guess when I really think about it, I have this whole woe-is-me attitude going on and I don't think it is completely unjustified. However, it sucks and I wish I could just let things go a little easier and not get so emotional over things that aren't really all that important. Then when there is something going on that its normal to be upset about I'm strangely calm. I just think my emotions and train of thought got crossed some how.

So my mother was watching Oprah and heard about a book called The Secret that is supposed to teach you how to have a different outlook on life in hopes of leading you to more success and happiness. She happened to mention the book at, of course, the worst time...which she always does... which usually makes me cry (conveniently enough that was the exact same time we got a monsoon in Pittsburgh so it was hidden). My mother is not an emotional person so whenever she gets that way I don't know how to react and I become a five year old again.

Anyways, I figure it can't hurt to read this book and see what it has to say. I'll have a bunch of time on my hands real soon because I'm one of those people who the more I do, the more I do. Doctors office with Dad Monday. Classes start Tuesday. New life on Wednesday. LOL Right!

Since when.....

So while I'm sitting here trying to come up with things to write about I'm realizing that everything I think of has to do with men. I'm not real sure how that happened and I'm not real sure I have a problem with it either. This is my little venting spot and it just so happens that men are apparently all I have thought about for a while. I'm sure in a week or so it's going to turn into all medical and hospital crap. Men are just more fun!

McDirty

First of, yes, I do know it is totally cheesy to name every man I date McSomething. But the thing is, I don't care! I enjoy it and as my Meredith will tell you, each one of their names perfectly suits them.

To his credit, McDirty was the first man I Mc'd. He was the first person that I was.... involved with after calling off my engagement. So it was strange how it all started because I hadn't dated in over two years and we started off as friends but things grew into more than that. And I do admit our relationship is not one of the things I'm most proud of in my life but it's almost two years in and things just get more and more complicated.

The reason he became a Mc is because, he isn't exactly single and my friends and I kind of used to hang out where him and his girlfriend worked. So I couldn't exactly talk about him using his real name so we had to change things up a little bit and give him a nickname. And that's how he became McDirty.

Now how can I describe McDirty. Lets just say he's a bit older than me which I have no problem with because I know there is no chance of a real, committed relationship with him. (Do you notice a trend here?) It started as a one night thing because I was upset and crying and he made me laugh. While my friends were just letting me bitch and moan about life he was making me realize that life would go on, I just had to decide to make it happen. You know how people say you always learn a lesson from everything you do? I like to think that is what I learned from him. I could have sat there being miserable but instead I started going out and having some fun for myself. So when he waited until he was walking out my door to tell me that he had a girlfriend I just enjoyed the hug and pretended he didn't just say that.

I will admit it was pretty awkward for me to go back into that bar and see him because I wasn't sure how he would react or how I would. I told myself that night that it wouldn't happen again but clearly that didn't work out.

But we did manage to keep it pretty low key for quite a while. Just every now and then I would be leaving and while he closed up the bar we'd make plans to meet at my place. We didn't even have each other's phone numbers for about six months and to this day I still am not sure about his last name. We've tried to keep emotions out of the whole thing but by this point we're involved, whether he wants to admit it or not. And yes, he is still with his girlfriend.

I can still remember him asking for my phone number "just in case" he ever needed it. I'm not sure what he could have possibly needed it for but hey, that's just me. Something changed right then and there because now we had a connection to each other that we never had before. If we ever "needed" each other there was now a way to get in contact.

One of my favorite things about our relationship is sitting at the bar and talking to him, the other people that work there, and my friends and no one knows about what is going on. The secrecy is exciting and fun because we all love to do things that we aren't supposed to do and everyone loves a good secret.

So ever since we finally exchanged numbers we're almost like a long-distance relationship. You know, accidentally running into each other, bringing food on special occasions, helping each other out with Christmas shopping. Clearly we are more than an employee and customer. My favorite part is making him jealous when I come in with men that I work with or something like that because he swears he doesn't get jealous but I know by the way he acts that he's eyeing up the competition. Which is why I would never bring a man that I was actually interested in to that bar.

Something in me thinks that I should probably let him go but there is a part of me that truly cares about him and our friendship. But, Meredith and another one of my close friends made me pinky kiss that I would not go in there any more. And I've actually made it three weeks without going in!!!